Moving abroad can be a real challenge for a couple, no matter how strong they think they are.
Utopian ideas of an expatriate lifestyle as a couple can be quite romantic, fantasizing about new places to explore and new experiences to be had together. But what happens if reality sets in and your expat lifestyle is no longer a fairy tale?
“It is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when,” said Vickie Andrews, an American expat and counselor at SINEWS Multilingual Therapy Institute in Madrid.
A move to a new country means couples have to adjust to a major lifestyle change in an unfamiliar environment. As expats, couples face challenges they may not have anticipated pre-departure, and these challenges are different from what they would be if the couple were living in their country of origin.
The challenges of expat couples
Probably the biggest challenge an expat couple will have to overcome is the lack of a social support network. Being each other’s only support in a new country can cause much strain and have negative effects on a relationship. For example, one spouse member may feel solitary at home, while the other is dealing with the stresses of adjusting to a new work environment.
Andrews said the most important thing for a person to do in a situation when they feel isolated is to get out and meet people in any way possible – whether through hobby clubs, language exchange or networking groups for parents.
“Don’t stay in an expat bubble,” said Andrews. “You generally find you can enjoy the daily struggle, and it is a daily struggle, once you feel you belong.”
Imago therapy
According to Andrews, only a low percentage of married expats get a divorce. It may be because there are distance and social obstacles that make getting a divorce abroad more difficult, but most opt to seek help by enrolling in couples therapy and they generally improve their relationship.
Andrews uses a technique called Imago therapy, founded by Harvelle Hendrix and Helen Hunt, which teaches communication by focusing on the couple, rather than the individual, in a relationship. Imago therapy is meant to decrease negativities and increase positivity.
There are certain activities that Andrews employs that have proven results. For example, Andrews said that date night is very important. It should be exclusively for the couple and cannot involve friends or kids, and especially no talk of the relationship or other issues that may cause a fight.
The ability to communicate effectively with each other is the most crucial skill an expat couple must learn. Andrews teaches the difference between a positive dialogue and a negative monologue, how to listen properly and react without offending the other person either verbally or with nonverbal gestures. Andrews also suggests a daily connection conversation.
“Twenty minutes set aside to ask, ‘How are you doing?’,” said Andrews. “But you can’t just talk about the Real Madrid game. It has to be about feelings.”
Andrews advises expat couples to be proactive and set-up prevention methods for traps they may encounter.
“It’s common to fall into a pattern of not liking a place,” said Andrews. “Don’t blame the culture or country. Accept that it will be difficult and respond thoughtfully.”
Don’t lose the fairy tale ending
Before you give up the dream of having a wonderful expat experience with your significant other, prepare yourself for what is to come. Andrews mentioned that there are plenty of resources for couples to get informed before they depart their home country. She said to especially make use of the Internet, and read blog posts about what did and what did not work for others.
“Being an expat couple creates more opportunities to share activities,” Andrews said. “And if the relationship has a good foundation, it will strengthen the relationship.”